Cords and Fleece

We're still fighting the virus -- now it's Lizzy's turn. While our family continues to battle this viral beast, I am in limbo. I can't focus... can barely think. Instead of Discover Magazine and Frontline, my head-space can only accommodate Us Magazine and Hottest Bikini Beaches. Thus, work today is slow-going. So I will leave you with these few Family Bites I've collected over the last few days. Because it's all I can handle. -------------------- Samantha: "Mommy, you're more beautiful than princess stuff. If you have short, short hair, or loooong, long hair you're still beautiful. When you wear cool t-shirts -- and pants -- you're beautiful. Even when you're naked you're beautiful. Me: "Wow, even then ?" Samantha: "Yes!" Me: "Thank you, Samantha. What a nice thing to say." Samantha: "You love me, right?" Me: "I love you so much!" Samantha: "I'm saying nice things to make you ...

There's nothing much cuter than Samantha singing the following lyrics to Dance, Dance, Dance (the Steve Miller song): I'm a hard working man I'm a son of a gun I've been working all week in the noon day sun... Or Samantha describing an episode of the Powerpuff girls whose names are Blossom, Bubbles, and Buttercup. Saying all those "p's" and "b's" makes her cheeks puff out several times a minute causing her sentences to sound like bubbles popping. Or when Samantha tells me (not-so-under) her breath that she's going to throw my clothes in the trash and cut off all my hair because she's mad at me for not helping her put on her tights. So, so cute.

  The sun is setting. Elizabeth notices the dwindling light and announces, "Mommy, I hate the night.” “You do? Why?” Are you having nightmares? Are you afraid of the dark? Do you hear strange noises? What? “I hate the night because I have to sleep .” Oh, yea. I noticed that was a problem... ------------ “Mommy, I have a bad feeling.” “Oh no, you do?” “Yes. I have a bad, bad feeling... that if I don’t get any cheese before bed, I’ll never go to sleep.” “If you don’t get any cheese ?” “Yes. It’s bad news. I’ve just got a bad feeling.” “Yea, me too.” ------------ “Mommy, what can I do? I have a gajillion thoughts in my head. I can’t sleep.” “Try to think nice, calm thoughts -- like drifting in a raft on a lake, or taking a nap in the sun.” Elizabeth closes her eyes and tries to think soothing thoughts. Then suddenly she opens her eyes and says in exasperation, “Mommy, I can only think fun thoughts!” ------------ “Mommy, I need to talk to you.” “Oh yea?” I tuck Elizabeth into bed and...

  Lizzy and Papa, Part I: "Papa, would you like to join our pillow fight?" "I don't think that's a good idea." -------------------- Samantha and Me: "Hey guys, here's a Krispy Kreme hat! These are the hats the bakers wear." "I don’t want to wear a hat." -------------------- Lizzy and Papa, Part II: "Can I have the glue? I want to put this picture on the wall." "Well, maybe we shouldn’t use glue because then we won’t be able to get it off." "But I don’t want it to come off." "But maybe I do." "I just want to decorate your door with lots of horsies on it." -------------------- Lizzy and Me: "Can I have my second donut now?" "No. You still haven’t finished your first one. Licking the chocolate off the top doesn’t count." -------------------- Samantha and Michael: "Can I have the ketchup?" "What for?" "Because I'm cold." ---------------...

Here are some moments from our Halloween. --------------------- The Grim Reeper came up to my front door. I gave him a Hershey Bar and an Almond Joy. He gave the Almond Joy back. Lesson: Want to cheat Death? Dress as an Almond Joy. -------------------- “Hi. These are my girls, Elizabeth and Samantha. I’m Melissa. This is my mom, Gail, and this is my Grandma, Molly.” “Wow, so many generations.” “Yea, and my Grandma’s mother is resting in the bedroom.” “That’s right, she doesn’t know she’s dead yet.” Dark Hutchins humor. ------------------- Elizabeth: “Grandma, I’m a genie. You can have three wishes.” Grandma: “Great! I wish for a kiss.” (smooch) Grandma: “I wish for you to run around the kitchen and come back.” (run, run, run) Grandma: “I wish for you to hug Samantha.” (hug, hug, hug) Elizabeth: “Mommy, I’m a genie. You can have three wishes.” Me: “Great. I wish for you to clean up that mess on the floor.” -------------------- Elizabeth: “Trick or Treat, smell my feet, give me some... ...

Last week, Michael and I snuck away to one of our favorite restaurants for lunch, Flavor Thai. Here are snippets of the conversation. --------------------- "How is your house?" -- asked by our waitress. This is the standard fire-related question here in San Diego. --------------------- "Hey, let's buy a mini van." "Yea? So we can spend $400 each month for it to sit in our driveway, just so we'll have it on those rare occasions when we need to seat more than four people instead of renting a mini van for $80 a day?" OK, guess not... --------------------- "This soup makes me happy. I should remember this the next time I'm in a bad mood. I'll come here, eat this soup, and feel better. It's that good." "You want to finish mine?" --------------------- "Is that woman talking on her cell phone?" "No. She must talk loud normally, I guess." --------------------- "Look at these deserts. Sweet rice... co...

Now that we have season passes to the Happiest Place on Earth, we go as often as humanly possible. Here’s what we said during our trip this week. Cast Members: Me, Michael, Elizabeth, Samantha, Grandma, and Grandpa. (I’ll let you guess who said what.) “Can you turn off my hat? I want to go to bed.” “Hi, front desk? I think you gave me the sex room...” “I wanna get out of here!” (said in the Tiki Room, the Honey I Shrunk the Audience Theater, the lobby of the Bugs Life Theater, and on a roller coaster) “You’re not allowed to ride any more rides until you PEE!” “We have to get the car washed -- there’s throw-up on top of it.” “Daddy is lonely all by himself,” ...in that nice, big bed. “Where’d Grandpa go?” “I lost my hat on the Matterhorn!” “I want to live at Disneyland.” “I’m banging your vagina!" (Said while standing in a crowded line for the Peter Pan ride) “Disneyland really is a happy place.” You betcha. And finally: “Did you know that some kids in your class have never ev...

I’m cooking dinner -- Polish sausage, mashed potatoes and sauerkraut. Samantha comes over to me. “I like your ponytail, Mommy.” “Thank you, sweetie,” I say as I stir the potatoes. “I like your toenails, Mommy.” “You’re so sweet.” “You’re beautiful in your dress.” At that I put down my spoon and bend down to hug her. “Thank you so much, Samantha. What a nice thing to say.” “I make you sooo happy, Mommy,” she says and hugs me extra hard. “Yes, you do,” I agree and hug back.”You’re a wonderful girl.” “And Elizabeth makes you sooo mad! You look like this,” then she purses her lips, bares her teeth, and scowls. Poor Lizzy. We had a rough day. I finally gave her two options: either sit in time out, or draw a picture of her listening to Mommy and Daddy. Hey, you never know. She might be able to pull it off. This is the age of openness and creativity, right? She looked bewildered and chose a time out. Perhaps tomorrow I’ll ask her to draw religion. ------------------ “Mommy, I want to do som...

While folding the laundry... Elizabeth: “Hey, Mommy. You can watch TV and fold laundry at the same time!” Me: “Yes, I can. I can do two things at once.” Elizabeth: “So can I! I can watch TV and lay down at the same time!” ----------- It’s morning and we’re waking up the girls. Elizabeth turns over, sleepy-eyed, sucking on her pacifier. She plucks it from her mouth and asks: “Mommy, if someone gives you a real gun at Christmas, then what?” Elizabeth, is there something you’re not telling me? ----------- Me: “Are you going to yell when we go through the [train] tunnel?” Samantha: “No.” Me: “Well, I think I’m going to yell. Hoot! Hoot!” Samantha: “You don’t have to yell.” ----------- Elizabeth (on toilet): “Mommy, I love you even when I poo-poo.” Awww. ----------- Elizabeth (loudly at a Chinese restaurant): “I want to go to the Chinese bathroom!” As if using the Chinese bathroom would somehow involve chop sticks and lazy susans... ----------- Songs that are better through misinterpretati...

By Elizabeth Gail Weber, Age 4 Once upon a time, there was a little girl. She had nails in her back. But they didn’t hurt. She found some mice who were her friends. She tied a rope around the mice, and then tied the rope to the nails on her back. The mice walked behind her when she walked. One day she found bunnies trapped in cages. She dragged the cages back to her house. She had doggies and kitties at her house, too. The cats were tied to the dogs with ropes. The little girl won all of the animals playing a game called Animada . The little girl’s name was spelled: i-i-l-d-d-e. The little girl lived with her family who looked liked bears. But they weren’t bears. The End. ----------------- Was she a nice girl or a mean girl? Oh, she was a nice girl. Of course. I am dizzy trying to understand this strange world of bondage, where nails naturally extend out of little girls' backs, and animals are rewards for a mysterious game of Animada . Meanwhile, I'm having a hard time concentr...

“You’re chocolate milk.” “I am?” Like a picture from a Norman Rockwell painting, our family sat together at the dining room table eating our colorfully-wrapped food from Wendy’s. (What? You haven’t seen that painting?) Then Elizabeth began to compare us to her favorite fast-food meal. Apparently, if I was a tasty beverage, I would be chocolate milk. Elizabeth likes chocolate milk, so I took that as a compliment. “Yes,” she said. “You’re cold chocolate milk, and everybody drinks from you.” Well, ain’t that the truth , I thought. This was getting interesting. “So, what are you?” I asked. “I’m chicken nuggets!” Ah, perfect -- she has self-esteem. That's her favorite part of the meal. It's what she asks for when she wants to be happy. Can I have chicken nuggets, please?! “And Samantha?” “She’s French fries.” That makes sense. In Elizabeth’s eyes, Samantha is the favorite salty side dish. You can’t have nuggets without the welcome accompaniment of fries. They go hand-in-hand -- frie...

Samantha (singing): “Mary had a little man, little man, little man...” Elizabeth (correcting): “No! It’s not ‘man’, it’s ‘lamb’.” Samantha (defending): “Mary had to poo-poo!” “I was a grown up all day today. I want you to be a grown up, too.” Elizabeth said she had a secret for me and this is what she whispered in my ear. I don’t know why. “Why is she screaming?” Elizabeth asked this while listening to Bjork. Me: “No, you can’t watch cartoons and eat Fruit Loops on the couch. It’s a school day.” Elizabeth: “Shhh! ...Samantha is sleeping.” Genius. Elizabeth: “Samantha, you’re silly.” Samantha: “I’m not Silly. I’m Samantha!” “On some people’s gates, there are words that say, ‘Don’t Come In’ ...unless you’re wearing the same shirt. Then it’s OK.” Ms. Elizabeth Elizabeth hands the Costco Exit-Checker our receipt so that she can hastily confirm that we haven’t stolen anything. For cute little kids, Exit-Checkers usually draw smiley faces or flowers. Elizabeth bucks the trend. Elizabeth: “Co...

Neighbor: “You have two cute little girls there!” Me: “Thanks! But it sure is hard getting them up in the morning!” Neighbor: “Well, I said they were cute -- not good !” “Don’t start talking to me while I’m sleeping...it scares me.” Me, breathless and startled after a nap. “Samantha, what CD do you want to hear?” “The pink one.” “No, not that one! It doesn’t have a head!” Elizabeth rejecting a Goofy cartoon because he dances with a headless mannequin. 

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“She just licked your head. Is it really that big of a deal?” My response after Elizabeth became upset when Samantha licked her on the back of the head. “Do you want all that stuff, Mommy?” Elizabeth heard an ad for Mother’s Day gift ideas. “I’m not tired. I don’t want to read. I’m not hungry. What can I do?” Elizabeth, 45 minutes after her bedtime. “More meat, please!” Shouts from my good, midwestern girls during dinner.

Last week we took the family to Disneyland. Here are some quotes from the trip. (I thought it would be more fun if I didn't tell you who said what.) “I wasn’t scared at all. I was just protecting myself.” “Far, far, far, far, far, far, far, far...” This was said in a self-hypnotized state for about 10 miles on the way to Disneyland. “I don’t like the loud toilets.” “Where are my birth control pills?!” “Oh...my. There’s a shrimp in my shoe.” “You forgot to get me some cotton candy.” “I don’t want to go home. I want to stay in the hotel!” “I’m sorry. You cannot order the child’s Ice Cream Sunday.” “Slow down--this car tips over easily!” “Do you need some help?” 

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“Mommy, can I say ‘I’m sorry, poo-poo head?’” - Elizabeth, when asked to apologize to her daddy for pretending the meatloaf was poo-poo. “Do not call your mother ‘poo-poo, pee-pee head’.” - Michael, defending my honor. "If you're happy and you know it, eat your poo-poo." - Samantha "Mommy, she called me 'poo-poo'." - Either of the girls "I'm going to eat all my food and it's going to go into my mouth and down into my tummy and then it's going to come out of my butt in my poo-poo!" - Elizabeth, excited about the digestive process. "Old MacDonald had to...poop! E-I-E-I-O!" - Ok, that was me.